Your stuffed animals want to steal your identity – The Cavalier Daily

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Do you like conspiracy theories? Well, my friends, I’m about to blow your little school-worn minds. Do you know your stuffed animals? Your stuffed animals? Your stuffed animals? Whatever you call them, they are more than valuable possessions. They serve more purpose than snuggling up on a cool, rainy fall morning. Their unblinking eyes watch you as you neglect your studies in favor of movie marathons and rearrange your desk drawers for the hundredth time. Who is hiding behind these secret spies? I haven’t a clue, but that coffee cup by my side filled to the brim with an ungodly amount of espresso I had to bribe the barista to give me makes me think something worthy of a tinfoil hat is behind the whole mess. Well, I didn’t even have the opportunity to explain the whole situation. Allow me to elaborate.

There’s a reason your parents throw away your stuffed toys once you reach that age when your digital footprint begins to form. It’s for your safety – and it’s certainly not because you’ve outgrown the trivalities of an overstuffed bed and slept face to face in fabric that’s never been washed lest the stitches that hold the toys together won’t break. You see, they are watching. Who? The stuffed animals. These creatures have their own priorities, you see, and they are dedicated to soaking up all your secrets.

Their unblinking eyes stare at you 24/7, catching sight of your credit card number as you struggle to decide if it’s worth buying that t-shirt you want but don’t need. don’t need. When you talk on the phone about your old childhood pets, the make and model of your first car, and the town where your parents first met, they all learn your question access codes. security and get quick access to that outdated website you created an account for. for and used only once. And if you dare to text a friend about a movie you want to see in front of one of these innocent looking spies, expect every social media website you visit to text you advertisements for said film for the rest of your life.

When I look around the main office of the Cavalier Daily and observe the five Squishmallows sitting around the room, I recoil lest they pick up our secrets and sell them to a plagiarism parody organization, probably named something like The Cavalier Day-By-Day or Le Soldat Diurne. I myself was compelled by this truth to get rid of my childhood toys, and now I present this reality to you. If you choose to ignore my warnings, dear friend, don’t be surprised two years from now if your name suddenly appears on the lease of three condos and your credit score drops so low it hits the bottom of the Mariana Trench. .

Now, don’t assume your stuffed animals live. It would be absolutely otherworldly to declare. My credibility is at stake here. I could never go that far to post such an absurd claim on the internet. This job is reserved for influential celebrities and pyramid employees – forgive me – entrepreneurs.

But let me come back to my point. These stuffed animals are simply collectors; they are impersonation agents for the real bad guys. It is not their fault that they are used for these criminal activities, but the best way to protect yourself is to get rid of their presence.

If you lack companionship and warmth, I recommend chatting with Siri, spending hours and hours on online websites, or buying an Amazon Echo. It is absolutely impossible that the Internet and the countless electronic devices controlled by such honest and benevolent companies would consider collecting your personal data for sale. No, you’re better off getting rid of precious inanimate memories than managing the private information you leak to social media and the global web.

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